The Arizona Chronicles, Vol. 4, Day 1: Kidnapped

The stories you are about to read are true. . .well, mostly.  Not that I’d lie to you.  A lot of the stuff did happen and some of the others might not have happened, but are in there due to artistic license to give you a better story.  But I don’t want you to confuse the things that did happen with the things that did not happen.  So if you find yourself scratching your head and wondering which is which, just take a deep breath, relax, and remember it’s just a story. . .except for the parts that aren’t.

Arizona.  For some it conjures up pictures of sand and cacti.  For others, an escape from winter weather.  For me, Arizona always fills me with a certain sense of trepidation.  For those of you new to this blog, I refer you to the previous three volumes of these tales which I call The Arizona Chronicles to help you better understand the anxiety I feel whenever I visit this state.

Several years ago, through an unfortunate series of events, I had the dubious distinction of meeting Arizona Mat, an “explorer” whose fame may not be great, but his ego certainly is.  I also met Tall Square, his refrigerator shaped sidekick.  And by sidekick, I mean arch-nemesis as the two of them were constantly at each other’s throats.  Since I’ve met these two I’ve traveled to the top of Mount San Jacinto, helped track down a killer bent on Arizona Mat’s demise, and discovered the legendary Voodoo Blue (Woo woo!).  Oh, great!  Now I’m doing it.

Needless to say, whenever business brings me to Arizona, I always get a bit leery because, one way or another, Arizona Mat ALWAYS seems to find me and drag me into another series of misadventures.  A year or so ago, I wrote a hit movie for the SyFy Network called Giraffealanche.  The movie did so well that SyFy wanted me to write a sequel.  I decided to join forces with a writer named David Sindelar who had written another SyFy Original, Armadillogeddon.  We had written a crossover sequel for both of our franchises, Giraffealanche vs Armadillogeddon, and I was heading to Phoenix to iron out the last details of the contract.

I was certain that there was no way on Earth than Arizona Mat would find me this time around as I was traveling on Delta Airlines.  SyFy was kind enough to pick up the tab for the flight and they were flying me down first class.

First class is the only way to travel.  The perks began when I got to the airport as I had a dedicated line to check my luggage and I was able to check up to 3 bags for free.  I also got to board the plane before anyone else and a found a pillow, blanket, and bottle of water waiting on a slightly larger than normal seat and I got two armrests.

As I made myself comfortable, the flight attendant asked if I’d like a beverage and I ordered a Bailey’s Irish Cream.  I sipped my drink as I mused on how wonderful it would be to travel like this all the time.  Even better, my flight was able to leave early and we must have had a powerful tailwind as the pilot announced that nearly 30 minutes would be cut from our flight.  Not bad at all.

At 10,000 feet, I pulled out my trusty laptop and began watching my favorite comedy, City Slickers, though I wasn’t able to finish the film due to my battery going low.  I swapped out my film for my Kindle and started reading another adventure of the obsessive-compulsive detective, Adrian Monk.  During snack service, I was offered a better variety of snacks and had a small bag of Lay’s Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and a sea salt caramel.  I also enjoyed a Coke which was served to me in a real glass.  The friendly attendant offered to continue topping off my glass and I thought, “A guy could really get used to this.”

I had a 90 minute layover in Salt Lake City and had hoped for a glimpse of the Mormon Temple, but no dice on that one.  It was well past my normal dinner hour, but I was strangely not hungry.  I decided I should have something and grabbed a sandwich from McDonald’s as I waited for the next leg of my flight.

This leg was even better than the first as I enjoyed a double wide seat.  I requested a Blue Moon and was stunned when the attendant let me have the whole can.  Viva la me!  The only downside was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to linger over the drink as they would be collected before takeoff.  Once airborne, I ordered a Sprite, had another small bag of chips, and continued reading.  Again, we were able to leave early, and cut another 20 minutes off the flight.

The last perk I received for first class is that my luggage was given Sky Priority which meant my bags would be in the first group off the plane.  In less than 10 minutes, I had my luggage and was ready to get a cab to my hotel.

I stepped outside into the hot desert night and thought that life was good.  As I scanned the road in search of a taxi, I suddenly felt a sharp sting at the base of my neck.  I clapped my hand to my neck as my vision began to swim before my eyes.  Then everything went black.

To Be Continued. . .

The Arizona Chronicles, Vol. 2, Day 1: Unwelcome Reunions

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up with the feeling of impending doom?

I had a day like that yesterday.  When I woke up in the morning, I would almost swear that the Sword of Damocles was hanging over my head.

I didn’t know why I felt this way.  It was a pleasant day, after all.  The sun was shining.  The birds were chirping.  And the clouds were looking especially fluffy.

Maybe it was just nerves.  I was getting ready to fly down to Phoenix, AZ for a meeting with a representative from the SyFy Network to discuss optioning my story, Giraffealanche, for their latest SyFy Original Movie.  Now, now, I know what you’re thinking.  “Chris, your writing is so clever, sharp, and witty,” says you.  “Why would you waste your great talent writing such schlock?”  To which I reply, “Because the money is really good.”

I shook off this feeling of dread as best as I could and prepared for my journey.  I arrived at the airport, checked my luggage, and flew through security.  Armed with my new Kindle Paperwhite, I sat down at my gate and read the latest Adrian Monk mystery while I slowly sipped a Dr. Pepper.  Still the heebie jeebies remained within me.

My flight was slightly delayed, but that was no cause for concern as my meeting was scheduled for the following day.  Normally, I prefer window seats when I fly, but, this time, I took a middle seat right in the front of plane.  For some reason, I just felt that I needed to get off of that plane as soon as possible.

It was the smoothest flight I’d been on in years.  There was nary a trace of turbulence to disturb me as I read my novel cover to cover.  Upon landing, I grabbed my laptop and bolted out of the plane.  As I walked down the hall, I remembered a very similar walk I had taken roughly six months prior.  Before my mind could seize the memory, I became aware of a powerful, fetid stench that filled my nostrils.  Then all went black!

The next thing I remember was an airport employee waving some smelling salts under my nose to revive me.

“Hey, pal, are you OK?” asked the employee.

“Yeah, I think so.  What happened?” I asked.

“You passed out.”

“I remember smelling some foul odor,” I said.

“Oh!  That’s probably from our local attraction,” said the employee.

“A skunk farm?” I queried.

“Nah,” said the employee with a chuckle.  “I’ll show you.”

The employee led me down the hall and that chill down my spine began to grow sharper and colder.  I now had a hunch of what I was about to see, though it defied belief.  Just past security, I saw a crowd of people around two men and I wanted to weep.

It was Arizona Mat and Tall Square.

For those of you who are new visitors to my blog, I refer you to the archive section under the series entitled “The Arizona Chronicles” in which an odd set of circumstances thrust me into meeting Arizona Mat, a so called explorer, and Tall Square, his goofy sidekick.

They were exactly as I had left them back then.  Each still had the other’s hand locked in a death grip of a handshake.  They had lost a considerable amount of weight and were using their free hand to hold up their pants.  Feeding tubes had been inserted in their noses and IVs pumped water into their bodies. You could almost see the B.O. wafting from their bodies.  The crowd was taking bets as to which man would finally yield and break the handshake.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I said.

“Nope,” said the employee.  “These guys have been doing this for six months now.  It’s been really good for business for the stores around here, if somewhat stinky.”

Now, I suppose I could have slipped quietly away, checked into a nice hotel, and avoided what was to come.  But I made my first mistake.  I said hello.

“Uh, hi, guys,” I said.

Tall Square looked at me, then let go of Arizona Mat’s hand to wave at me.  Time seemed to stop.

A stunned silence fell over the crowd.  Finally the duel had ended.  A maniacal light gleamed in Arizona Mat’s eyes.  A huge smile split his lips.

“You lose!!  You lose!!” crowed Arizona Mat.  “I’m the winner!  You’re the loser!  Winner!  Loser!!  Loser!!  Winner!!  I am such a winner!!  You are such a loser!!  I am such a winner!!  You are such a loser!!”

Arizona Mat had broken into a conga dance, shaking his butt in Tall Square’s face.  I could tell Tall Square was about to explode and the following seemed to occur in slow motion.

Tall Square cocked back his fist for a mighty punch and had just begun the follow through when a people mover ran into him from behind.  I watched in horror as the upper half of his body bent backwards in a 90 degree angle.  His body flipped up and over the people mover, sailing through the air.  I covered my eyes as I braced myself for the sickening crack of his body hitting the ground.  Instead, I heard a thump.

I peeked through my fingers and saw that Tall Square’s body had somehow landed on a luggage mover going down the opposite direction.  I turned to look at Arizona Mat who had fallen to the ground due to weakness, yet he still had that cheesy grin on his face and he was pumping his arms up, chanting, “Winner!  Winner!  Winner!”

I pursued the luggage mover, but the unusually high level of people in the airport slowed me down and I was unable to catch up with it.  I looked through the window and watched as Tall Square was blithely loaded with the luggage onto a plane bound for Nome, AK.  Poor Tall Square.

I returned to Arizona Mat, still pumping his arms on the ground.  I could have walked away at this point, but then I made my second mistake.  I decided to do my Christian duty and help.

I loaded Arizona Mat onto a wheelchair, picked up my suitcase, and hailed a cab.  Once we had gotten to Arizona Mat’s home, I tucked the poor sot into bed and decided to head for a hotel and then I made my third mistake.  I got cheap.

I realized that I could stay here for free and save myself on a hotel bill.  So I sent the cab away and made myself at home in the guest room.  I was hungry so I walked down the street to the Flaming Kabob when I enjoyed some delicious hummus, chicken lemon rice soup, and chicken gallaya.  Bringing the leftovers with me for lunch the next day, I proceeded to jump into Arizona Mat’s pool which was much more enjoyable now as opposed to the icy plunge he forced me to take six months earlier.

As I swam, I realized I was probably in for another series of hijinks and misadventures, but I heaved a mighty sigh and decided I would try to make the best of things.

To be continued. . .

The Arizona Chronicles, Day 7: Farewells

And so another adventure has reached its end.  I am currently flying towards home and reminiscing about the events of the past few days.  Despite the peculiarities of my two companions, I must admit that I had a most enjoyable time. 

There wasn’t very much to the day.  I arose early and packed up my gear.  My two cohorts were already up and about as I entered the living room with my stuff.  Tall Square was a bit on the quiet side.  It turns out he was feeling a little under the weather and maybe something more.  Despite all the squabbling he did with Arizona Mat, I couldn’t shake the sensation that a bond of mutual respect and, dare I say, friendship had grown between them during their trials and tribulations.  Was it possible Tall Square was even a little sad about leaving?

Nah!

Arizona Mat announced he was taking us to Denny’s for a farewell meal.  So Tall Square and I loaded up Arizona Mat’s trunk and we hit the road.  At the restaurant, Arizona Mat partook of the most interesting combination of nachos and salad.  Tall Square ordered a Chicken Fried Steak slam and I had a Super Bird.  I knew that Tall Square was unwell as he was unable to finish his meal, so, after brunch, we made a quick stop at a Walgreen’s to pick up some Dayquil for our faltering comrade.

Once at the airport, Arizona Mat decided to get a final drink at a Starbucks.  I wanted to get to the gate as my flight was scheduled to begin boarding in about 45 minutes, but he said there would be plenty of time and that it wouldn’t take long to get through security.  So I reluctantly acquiesced to the request.  Thirty minutes later, the security line had grown quite a bit, but I bit my tongue.  I shook Arizona Mat’s hand and he said he looked forward to reading my articles as they would undoubtedly propel him to a higher level of fame and fortune.  Sure.  OK.

Tall Square and Arizona Mat took a long look at each other.  Finally Arizona Mat held out his hand and Tall Square slowly extended his for a shake.  The shake lasted for a long time.  In fact, it seemed like neither wanted to let the other go.  I looked at the faces of the two men and saw beads of sweat forming on their foreheads.  I glanced back at their hands and saw them shaking under the pressure the two of them were exerting on the other.  How fitting.  They couldn’t even say good-bye without turning it into a disagreement.  I chuckled softly to myself and went through security.

Farewell, Arizona.  As I fly through the air, I cannot help but feel that destiny will bring me to your scenic landscapes once more.  And, somehow, I am certain that my destiny includes crossing paths with Arizona Mat and Tall Square once again.  And that sends a decided chill down my spine.

 

The Arizona Chronicles, Day 1–A Journey Begins

The stories you are about to read are true. . .ish.  The events have been embellished where I find humorous.

It’s amazing how a simple event can trigger an adventure.  For instance, it was a wretched day in Omaha.  A horrible cold snap had engulfed the Midwest.  It was Monday morning and the wind chill had made the temperature -25.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t curl up in my nice, warm bed and hit the snooze alarm.

Grumpily, I made my way out to my car.  I stuck the key into the ignition, turned it, and. . .COUGH!!  GURGLE!!  BLURP!! 

Dead battery.

As I prepared to call a tow truck, a voice called out from the darkness.

“Do you need some help?”

I turned around to see a middle aged man, powerfully built, with a mane of red hair, and a Fu Manchu moustache.

“A little,” I admitted.

“I can change this thing in 5 or 10 minutes,” said the stranger.

He had me pop the hood on my car and pulled a set of tools out of his nearby truck.  I’ll be dipped if he didn’t remove my battery in a matter of moments.  We rushed down to the local Wal-Mart to buy a new battery.  That mystical luck that seems to follow me stayed true once more as I got the last battery.  Rushing back to my car, the stranger finished putting in the new battery and my car roared to life after a little coaxing.

As I thanked the stranger, he introduced himself to me as Tall Square.

“Tall Square?  Why do they call you that?”

“I will tell you,” replied Tall Square.  “Because.”

“Because?”

“Because,” he said and nodded solemnly.

I rolled my eyes and invited this peculiar man in for a drink.  He told me that he was the assistant to an explorer known only as Arizona Mat and that he was preparing to meet him in Phoenix for a new exploration.  I told Tall Square that I wrote a blog and asked if Arizona Mat would object to a chronicler.  Tall Square replied that Arizona Mat could use the publicity, so I bought a ticket to Arizona and had Tall Square sack out on my couch that evening.

The next day we headed to the airport to catch a flight on Frontier Airlines.

Yes, I know that I didn’t have too many good things to say about this airline due to their love of fees and not giving any perks unless you purchase directly through them, but they had the best deal and sometimes you’ve got to bite the bullet.  In the short time since I had last flown with them, they had added a new fee.  If you want a seat assigned randomly, it’s free.  But if you want to pick where you sit, it’ll cost you $8.  Yet another reason to try to avoid this airline in the future.

As we finished our security check, a call came over the PA system, asking Tall Square to return to the front counter.  I looked at my companion curiously.  He gave me a shrug and said it probably had something to do with the toy lock he used to keep his suitcase shut.  He went away to the counter and I worked on my laptop.  Nearly thirty minutes had passed until my companion returned.  Tall Square looked a little roughed up.  His right eye was discolored, clothes torn, and he spat out a tooth as he sat down.

“What happened?” I asked.

He muttered something about a badly timed bald joke and proceeded to speak no more.  We boarded the plane for the first leg of our flight to Denver, CO and it was a smooth flight and we got to Denver about 20 minutes early.  I do enjoy flying, but I hate the layovers and we had a nearly three hour layover for this trip.  I do admit there are worse things than being stuck in the Denver airport for three hours.  It is a highly regarded airport with a number of shops and restaurants to keep one occupied.

Tall Square had been sitting a couple rows ahead of me, but when I exited the plane he was nowhere in sight.  As I found the connecting gate for our next flight, I received a text from Tall Square who said he was heading to baggage claim.  Immediately I called my befuddled travel mate and told him to come back here as the airline would move our luggage to the plane for us.  I then got a 20 minute chair massage at A Massage to loosen my cramped shoulders and spent some time doing some research online.

At 4:30, we boarded the plane for our final leg of the flight.  The sun was setting as the plane took off and I realized that I hadn’t flown at night since my escapades to Tokyo, Japan nearly a year and a half ago.  There is something indescribable about seeing a huge metropolis lit up at night that adds a certain enjoyment to flying.   90 minutes later, we landed in Phoenix. 

Tall Square texted Arizona Mat to let him know we had arrived.  He received a text back that said, “Who are you?”  Tall Square replied it was him and that he had brought a writer along who would chronicle his adventures for free.  I was about to vociferously protest working pro bono when Tall Square received a terse, impatient text from Arizona Mat that said, “Well, hurry up.”

Soon afterward, I met Arizona Mat.  He was a stoic man, solidly built, with short, red hair, and about average height.  He thanked me for the free publicity.  Before I could argue about my lack of fee, Arizona Mat offered to buy my dinner, which I grudgingly accepted.  He took Tall Square and myself to Café Rio. 

This Mexican restaurant proudly boasts that it makes everything from scratch and it is the truth as they prepare the food in front of you.  I had a carne beef burrito wrapped in a wheat tortilla while Tall Square and Arizona Mat settled for pork and steak nachos respectively.  It was a tasty meal and I definitely would recommend a visit to it.  Be sure to ask for to go boxes as they don’t skimp on the portions at this place.

Arizona Mat offered to house me for the duration of my visit so I decided to take my fee in trade.  After getting me situated,  he began shooting at me with a Nerf dart gun to “test my reflexes” as he said.  I took 4 darts as I was too tired after my long day to be worth anything.

Arizona Mat clicked his tongue at me and said he hoped I’d do better in the Icy Plunge, whatever that may be.  For now, I’m just ready to hit the hay.

 Join me again tomorrow as I begin documenting the (mis)adventures of this impatient explorer and his unlucky sidekick.