Just Around the Riverbend to River’s Bend

Why, hello again, and welcome to my one year anniversary article spectacular.

I decided I needed a truly special bed and breakfast to visit for my one year anniversary and I certainly found it at River’s Bend Bed and Breakfast; owned by Dr. Rita Schoeneman and located in the rural town of Iowa Falls, IA.

The weather was certainly cooperating with me on this fine summer day.  It had a rather springy feel to it with moderate temperatures, a sunny sky, singing birds, and clouds that were looking especially fluffy.  I was so excited about this trip that I had awoken at 4am and could not get back to sleep.  Shortly before 9am, I had hopped into my car and before I knew it I had reached Iowa Falls.

Iowa Falls is the biggest small town I have visited since I began this project.  It seems to have quite a few things to do and, as I would later learn, is jam packed with history.  It’s also the town where Kansas Jayhawks basketball legend and current NBA star, Nick Collison, began his rise to prominence.  Fun fact:  I attended school with Nick in elementary school (mind you, I was 4 years older and don’t know if we ever met) and was taught by his father, Dave, in junior high school.

As I drove around the city (yes, this city was big enough for me to drive around), I found a couple of nice scenic drives as well as a fairly impressive aquatic center that housed a decent looking miniature golf course.  I silently lamented the fact that my good friend and perennial rival, Mat O’Donnell, was not present for a duel.  Then again, the course was closed so it was a moot point.

Eventually, I parked in the town square and began to wander about the downtown area.  One of the more spectacular sights was the Metropolitan Opera House.  When first built, it was actually an opera house and had brought in some of the biggest names of the day like John Phillip Sousa.  Now it was a movie theater and I really wish I had had an opportunity to get inside the place and look around.

The Metropolitan Opera House. This is now the local movie theater.

About 2pm, I passed a boat club which had a riverboat moored on the Iowa River called the Scenic City Empress.  I saw some people getting onto the ship and I immediately parked my car and asked if I could purchase a ticket.  I would later discover that I had actually earned a free ticket for this cruise by booking at River’s Bend, but I was glad to make the $7 donation.

The Scenic City Empress

It was a very relaxing cruise on the Iowa River (which actually starts and ends in Iowa).  The whole journey took about an hour and fifteen minutes and I learned quite a bit about the local history from how the town was founded, to some of the powerful families who had lived there, to a lot of significant events that had occurred in the town’s history.  Once the cruise ended, I headed on over to River’s Bend.

For the first time since the project began, I actually had company for the trip.  Originally, my best friend, Josh Kudron, and his wife, Malissa, were supposed to join me on the journey.  Regrettably, complications arose which prevented them from making the trip.  Luckily, my parents, Bob & Virginia, whom I’ve long tried to convince to try a bed and breakfast, said they would like to come along.

We were warmly greeted by Rita, a former national director of the US Forest Service, who gave us the grand tour.

The Bliss Suite AKA the Honeymoon Suite

Garden Room

Evergreen Room

This place is impressive.  It’s a Greek Revival house and the biggest bed and breakfast I have visited.  The rooms are incredibly spacious with the exception of the intimate Garden Suite.  I was quite surprised that the place only had 4 guest bedrooms considering how much house existed.  We had taken the Riverview Suite, which was a combination of the Riverview room and the Library which housed an eclectic amount of reading material from forestry to manga.  I gladly took the Library because I wanted to be able to get out on the balcony in the morning and watch the sun rise.

The Riverview Room

The Library. This also forms part of the Riverview Suite.

After getting settled, we got into my car to travel to the nearby town of Eldora to attend worship services at St Mary’s parish.  On the drive over, my pop had me turn on the radio so he could listen to the Iowa vs. Ball State football game.  There are few things as entertaining as listening to my father watch or listen to an Iowa Hawkeyes sporting event.  Dad isn’t the most demonstrative of people. . .unless he’s watching his beloved Hawkeyes.  Then he’s the most animated person on the planet.  And he had plenty to be animated about as the Hawkeyes looked like they would be upset by the Cardinals as they were leading 13-3 as we headed into the church.

Father Tony, a very energetic and animated man, attempted to set a land speed record in delivering the service.  Apparently, he was suffering from post-concussion syndrome and was feeling a little ill, so he worked through the service as quickly as possible.  All that I can say is, he must be unbelievable when he’s feeling great given how much energy he had feeling sick.

After services, Dad hesitantly asked me to turn the radio back on and he must have done some serious praying, for now the Hawkeyes were about to, and did, in fact, win by a score of 17-13.  “They didn’t deserve to win,” said Dad, the relief evident in his voice.  We headed back to Iowa Falls where, under Rita’s suggestion, we went to Porter’s on Main for supper.

The place was a little dim, but the food was excellent.  I munched on a Diablo Chicken sandwich with a side of chicken gumbo.  Dad supped on a terrific New York Strip (which looked bigger than the 10 oz it was supposed to be), a side of chicken gumbo, and a baked potato.  And Mom enjoyed hamburger steak with some superior American fries (I know because I sampled some) and a salad.

After supper, we returned to the inn where I had to help my lovable Luddite of a father with the TV in the living room so he and Mom could watch the movie “Sneakers”.  I went to the suite to post some pictures, have a long hot soak, and curl up with my latest Sherlock Holmes pastiche, “The Spirit Box”.

Mom and Dad settle down to watch a movie.

I grew drowsy as I read and soon fell asleep for the night.  I awoke the next morning and did go out on the balcony to watch the sunrise, then immediately rushed back inside because it was darn chilly out there in my shorts.  I grabbed my Kindle and headed down to the 2^nd living room to listen to music and continue Mr. Holmes’ adventure.  Dad had gotten up earlier to go buy a newspaper and he came back just as Mom was coming downstairs so we headed into the dining room for breakfast.

With all of the fancy, gourmet breakfasts I have eaten at bed and breakfasts, it was a nice change of pace to have a hearty, traditional breakfast.  Beginning with a dish of mixed fruit, Rita brought out some wonderfully crisp bacon and a stack of small pancakes which were quite fluffy and delicious.  Cups of coffee along with glasses of milk and OJ made for delicious breakfast beverages.

Rita came out partway through the meal and began to share with us some of the history of the house.  Then she asked about my B & B project as well as my theatrical background.  When I started talking about theatre, Rita shared this amazing tale of the time Hugh Jackman visited the house.  She even had photographic proof of the encounter.

As the story went, the previous owner of the movie theater had to sell out because he couldn’t afford the new digital projectors that would be needed to stay in business.  The new owner bought the needed projectors, but wanted to have a reopening worthy of the theater’s past as the Metropolitan Opera House.  As it happened, the new owner’s son happened to be an entertainment lawyer in Los Angeles and was the agent for Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry.  When the owner’s son told Hugh about his dad’s desire, Hugh readily volunteered to come to Iowa Falls to make it a red carpet event.

Hugh and his family stayed in the room that my family had stayed in and Rita said he was an absolutely perfect gentleman and down to earth guy, though his entourage was annoying.  In between signing posters for the event, Hugh helped his son with his homework, played with his daughter, and even made his children carry the breakfast dishes into the kitchen for cleaning.

The time passed much too quickly and soon it was time to check out and head back to reality.  It was truly a grand event and I easily rank this place in my top three bed and breakfasts that I have visited for this project.  If you find yourself in Iowa Falls, take some time out there.  Soak up the local culture.  Take a ride on the Scenic City Empress.  Most importantly, spend a night at River’s Bend.  You’ll get a great meal and enjoy some great conversation from an excellent hostess.  Heck, you’ll probably learn something, too.

The Arizona Chronicles, Vol. 2, Day 1: Unwelcome Reunions

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up with the feeling of impending doom?

I had a day like that yesterday.  When I woke up in the morning, I would almost swear that the Sword of Damocles was hanging over my head.

I didn’t know why I felt this way.  It was a pleasant day, after all.  The sun was shining.  The birds were chirping.  And the clouds were looking especially fluffy.

Maybe it was just nerves.  I was getting ready to fly down to Phoenix, AZ for a meeting with a representative from the SyFy Network to discuss optioning my story, Giraffealanche, for their latest SyFy Original Movie.  Now, now, I know what you’re thinking.  “Chris, your writing is so clever, sharp, and witty,” says you.  “Why would you waste your great talent writing such schlock?”  To which I reply, “Because the money is really good.”

I shook off this feeling of dread as best as I could and prepared for my journey.  I arrived at the airport, checked my luggage, and flew through security.  Armed with my new Kindle Paperwhite, I sat down at my gate and read the latest Adrian Monk mystery while I slowly sipped a Dr. Pepper.  Still the heebie jeebies remained within me.

My flight was slightly delayed, but that was no cause for concern as my meeting was scheduled for the following day.  Normally, I prefer window seats when I fly, but, this time, I took a middle seat right in the front of plane.  For some reason, I just felt that I needed to get off of that plane as soon as possible.

It was the smoothest flight I’d been on in years.  There was nary a trace of turbulence to disturb me as I read my novel cover to cover.  Upon landing, I grabbed my laptop and bolted out of the plane.  As I walked down the hall, I remembered a very similar walk I had taken roughly six months prior.  Before my mind could seize the memory, I became aware of a powerful, fetid stench that filled my nostrils.  Then all went black!

The next thing I remember was an airport employee waving some smelling salts under my nose to revive me.

“Hey, pal, are you OK?” asked the employee.

“Yeah, I think so.  What happened?” I asked.

“You passed out.”

“I remember smelling some foul odor,” I said.

“Oh!  That’s probably from our local attraction,” said the employee.

“A skunk farm?” I queried.

“Nah,” said the employee with a chuckle.  “I’ll show you.”

The employee led me down the hall and that chill down my spine began to grow sharper and colder.  I now had a hunch of what I was about to see, though it defied belief.  Just past security, I saw a crowd of people around two men and I wanted to weep.

It was Arizona Mat and Tall Square.

For those of you who are new visitors to my blog, I refer you to the archive section under the series entitled “The Arizona Chronicles” in which an odd set of circumstances thrust me into meeting Arizona Mat, a so called explorer, and Tall Square, his goofy sidekick.

They were exactly as I had left them back then.  Each still had the other’s hand locked in a death grip of a handshake.  They had lost a considerable amount of weight and were using their free hand to hold up their pants.  Feeding tubes had been inserted in their noses and IVs pumped water into their bodies. You could almost see the B.O. wafting from their bodies.  The crowd was taking bets as to which man would finally yield and break the handshake.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I said.

“Nope,” said the employee.  “These guys have been doing this for six months now.  It’s been really good for business for the stores around here, if somewhat stinky.”

Now, I suppose I could have slipped quietly away, checked into a nice hotel, and avoided what was to come.  But I made my first mistake.  I said hello.

“Uh, hi, guys,” I said.

Tall Square looked at me, then let go of Arizona Mat’s hand to wave at me.  Time seemed to stop.

A stunned silence fell over the crowd.  Finally the duel had ended.  A maniacal light gleamed in Arizona Mat’s eyes.  A huge smile split his lips.

“You lose!!  You lose!!” crowed Arizona Mat.  “I’m the winner!  You’re the loser!  Winner!  Loser!!  Loser!!  Winner!!  I am such a winner!!  You are such a loser!!  I am such a winner!!  You are such a loser!!”

Arizona Mat had broken into a conga dance, shaking his butt in Tall Square’s face.  I could tell Tall Square was about to explode and the following seemed to occur in slow motion.

Tall Square cocked back his fist for a mighty punch and had just begun the follow through when a people mover ran into him from behind.  I watched in horror as the upper half of his body bent backwards in a 90 degree angle.  His body flipped up and over the people mover, sailing through the air.  I covered my eyes as I braced myself for the sickening crack of his body hitting the ground.  Instead, I heard a thump.

I peeked through my fingers and saw that Tall Square’s body had somehow landed on a luggage mover going down the opposite direction.  I turned to look at Arizona Mat who had fallen to the ground due to weakness, yet he still had that cheesy grin on his face and he was pumping his arms up, chanting, “Winner!  Winner!  Winner!”

I pursued the luggage mover, but the unusually high level of people in the airport slowed me down and I was unable to catch up with it.  I looked through the window and watched as Tall Square was blithely loaded with the luggage onto a plane bound for Nome, AK.  Poor Tall Square.

I returned to Arizona Mat, still pumping his arms on the ground.  I could have walked away at this point, but then I made my second mistake.  I decided to do my Christian duty and help.

I loaded Arizona Mat onto a wheelchair, picked up my suitcase, and hailed a cab.  Once we had gotten to Arizona Mat’s home, I tucked the poor sot into bed and decided to head for a hotel and then I made my third mistake.  I got cheap.

I realized that I could stay here for free and save myself on a hotel bill.  So I sent the cab away and made myself at home in the guest room.  I was hungry so I walked down the street to the Flaming Kabob when I enjoyed some delicious hummus, chicken lemon rice soup, and chicken gallaya.  Bringing the leftovers with me for lunch the next day, I proceeded to jump into Arizona Mat’s pool which was much more enjoyable now as opposed to the icy plunge he forced me to take six months earlier.

As I swam, I realized I was probably in for another series of hijinks and misadventures, but I heaved a mighty sigh and decided I would try to make the best of things.

To be continued. . .